"Those who dance are considered to be insane by those who can't hear the music."
- anonymous

Friday, February 26, 2010

What's wrong with you!!!

"I know what's best for you...better than you do."

Emotional abuse can be subtle, happening without you realizing your being controlled. It can happen over time, little by little, slowly eroding at your self-esteem. Eventually losing confidence and questioning your own mind and sanity. Your left feeling confused, defensive, angry, sad, bitter, embarased about your weakness, and mostly hurt for having been hurt for so long this way, by the person who was supposed to be your best friend and companion for life. I tried so hard to make my marriage work. I prayed so hard for my marriage. I can't take walking away lightly. I don't understand why we had to end up like this, I was a good wife. And I did the very best I could to raise our children the right way. Passing on my values in life to them. I taught them to be compassionate, kind, and loving. I tried to teach them to value themselves, to let them know how wonderful they were. But in the end none of it was sufficient for you. I'm tapped out. I can't do this anymore. I have to take care of myself now. You don't need to accept me, but I need to find acceptance within myself now.

One can easily lose their identity and question themselves. 

Emotional abuse is a game of intimidation used for power and control over another.
A psychologically abusive act is deliberately making someone feel devalued, demeaned, inferior, afraid, or humiliated,
with the intention of dominating, controlling, isolating, or intimidating
An emotional abuser can manipulate the relationship in such a way that only his feelings and opinions count. Such a person demands his own way and goes to the extent of hurting you in order to achieve it. He has less interest in your personal standards or beliefs, and can force you or persuade you to do things against your own will. He refuses to listen or communicate and rejects the occurrence of certain events or conversations. Causing a major communication break down in the relationship.
It can start with simple tension and get nasty over the simplest of things. Frequent accusations, blaming, threatening and giving orders, with a judgmental attitude of “I know best”. Anger, blame, threats, constant criticizims, unreasonable demands, and arguing are a common occurances. Last night we fought about a dollar! An emotional abuser may deny your perception, memory, sanity, and personal needs, especially when the need is greatest.  In order to get what he wants, an abuser will emotionally blackmail you by playing on your fears, guilt, compassion, religious values or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.  If there is apology, it is usually tempered with self-righteous justification, excuses, denial that abuse happened, claiming the abuse is not as bad as the victim claims it to be, often adding that he had no choice but to get angry because of the way you are. The incident is forgotten, as if the abuse never took place.  This cycle is repeated and sustained, and gets worse when I try to defend myself in any way.

 Whether delivered directly or indirectly. His message says, "You need to trust my wisdom—over your own—regarding issues specific to you." You even come to recognize the subtle reinforcement employed to help you buy into his propaganda. You might observe reprimand or the withholding of something you desire when you resist the other person's demands. When you yield to his demands, things that were not available before are suddenly available. Abuse survivors begin to discount their inner knowledge and lose contact with their inner wisdom. Eventually, looking outward for answers and fail to factor in a wealth of hidden internal personal datum.
Emotional abuse involves many different tactics, but all have the same goal. He wants to make sure he has total control of you. Some of the tactics used by emotional abusers include the following:
  •  Making you feel as if you can't be yourself or be trusted.
  •  Yelling, cussing or name calling to belittle you.
  •  Insults or makes fun of you in front of others or in private.
  • Threatens you with divorce frequently.
  •  Attacks you verbally with no provocation.
  •  Spies on you and then confronts you about your activities
  •  Accuses you of doing things you did not do 
  •  constantly pointing out your flaws  
  •  berate, belittle, criticize and/ or threaten you frequently. 
  • Uses looks and gestures that are intended to scare you  without ever actually hitting you, he may yell and scream obscenities and then pull his fist back as if he intends on punching you but doesn’t follow through, being led to believe it could happen.
  • Demanding constant attention and expecting you to spend all your free time with him.
  • Deliberately starting an argument for no reason.
  • Treat you well in front of others, but will change back to a different person when both of you are alone, and vice versa.
  • Constant conflict either with you or with others.  
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors which can include:

Physical Abuse:
Hitting, punching, slapping, shoving, kicking, burning, choking, use of weapons or other objects to cause injury.

Sexual Abuse:
 Forcing a partner to engage in unwanted sexual acts, refusing to practice safe sex, treating a partner like a sex object; insisting on sex when a partner is ill.

Emotional Abuse/Intimidation:
Isolation from family or friends; intimidation; name-calling and put-downs; denying/shifting blame; treating a partner as an inferior; threatening to harm self/others; abusing children or pets; stalking; using threatening looks, actions or gestures.

Property/Economic Abuse:
Stealing or destroying belongings/money; refusing basic needs such as food or medical treatment; interfering with a partner’s work or education.

Some stay because they are afraid the abuse will worsen if they try to leave; they are ashamed; because they blame themselves; they stay out of fear of losing children or not being able to support them; they stay because of religious convictions; they stay because they have no money, few resources or little support; because of social pressure and cultural taboos, and a myriad of other reasons specific to their situations. Racism, homophobia, ageism, and discrimination based on physical ability, nationality and other factors can also make finding help and safety even more difficult for some victims.

Four“romantic" signs of control:

Jealousy and possessiveness are forms of control that can easily escalate into emotional abuse and physical violence. Being asked to account for every minute of your day is a sign your partner is trying to limit your freedom.

His desire to spend all his time with you might seem romantic, but he is actually trying to make you dependent on him so he can control you. Isolating you from  friends and family is a common form of control.

Charm can be a weapon of abuse, by switching between charm and aggression, this behavior is designed to confuse you and make you doubt your judgment, which leaves you walking on eggshells as you anticipate his next outburst.

In addition, charmers use their skills to make everyone else believe they are a great catch and no one will believe you if you suggest their behavior is inappropriate.

Controlling what you wear, who you see, where you go and events you attend, is a strategy for control.

Victims may experience sleep problems, depression, severe anxiety, low self-esteem, fearfulness, aggression, extreme dependence, frequent crying, suicidal thoughts or attempts, making unreasonable decisions at times. 

Getting the Help You Deserve

When you are emotionally battered or abused, the best way to deal with the situation is to GET THE HELL OUT!!!!! No one should have to endure abuse of any kind.
It can often be difficult for an emotionally abused person to take the first step.  If you see yourself in this situation it’s important you get professional help to help you overcome the natural consequences of emotional abuse and to get moving in the best possible direction for you. Get support from your friends and family.
If your abuser truly loves you, he will seek help. An abuser will often agree to counseling when a spouse has left only to quit and return to the abuse. It takes time and patience, but it’s perfectly possible to get therapy and restore the love within your marriage, but your abuser must be willing to admit he has a problem and be willing to get help.

If your abuser refuses to get the help you need get out and do not return! even if the abuser apologies, telling you that he has changed, that he cannot cope without you, or threaten to hurt himself. These behaviors are a form of abuse as well.

Do not hope or believe that the abuser is going to change with out professional help or that he is really sorry. Remember that this is about you, only you can take care of yourself You need emotional stability in order to function well as a person. The abuser will not allow you to help yourself, the abuser only wants your help and is never going to give back. And no matter how much you do give him, it will never be enough. An abuser chooses to abuse, there are no excuses. There is NO reason that is EVER okay to abuse someone EVER!

Take the first step to breaking free from domestic abuse. 

Feel the freedom to discover and become who you really are
find yourself and be the "You" that you are.
Create intimate relationships of mutual honoring and respect. Remember that before someone can be a part of your life, they must first prove they are worthy of your love and companionship. Any action that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened should be given special consideration. Don’t ever sell yourself short or believe you deserve abusive behavior of any type. 
Imagine yourself in healthy relationships and entertain this new image routinely, cherish the impact that it has on you and on your perception of an intimate relationship. 
Someone who loves you lets you become more of what you are, rather than less of what you are.
Shed your tolerance for self-silencing and the deadening of your own spirit. 
Help someone you know who is being abused by being a friend, listening and believing what they say. Help them to identify resources and options. Give nonjudgemental support and let them know they can come to you again if necessary.

Support your local domestic violence program. They can benefit from your time, financial support or other donations.

Expert on the subject from 21 years of marriage.



1 comment:

  1. this is such important information for people to have. so glad you wrote this and shared it.

    also...glad you linked up so i could read your fill-in-the-blanks!

    hope you have a great weekend.